I love autumn in the morning.

Just took this picture…it’s 6:30 am and foggy.

It’s been a long week and it’s just about over.

Kim’s mother died Tuesday evening. At the hospital, surrounded by her daughters. Yvette wasn’t that old really. She was 72, and she had Alzheimers Disease. For the past 10 yrs of her life. Maybe even longer.

Tomorrow morning they’re holding a small service at Pack Monadnock; after which Yvette’s ashes will be put out to the wind. Her wishes. The family isn’t religious at all, so this isn’t a funeral per say. Just a little gathering with some prayers- a Priest will preside and then leave. It’s a beautiful place up there, atop that small mountain with a view of hundreds of miles on a clear day. As per Yvette’s wishes, only the family will be attending. And it will be early enough in the am where no one else will be up there.

Kim is sad but relieved. She watched her Mother decline, slow at first but then the deterioration became monumental in the past three years. It made things very difficult.

Kim didn’t get along with her Mom. They never saw eye to eye on anything; Yvette was always critical and negative of Kim, and Chrissy, Kelly and Carly. A broken family. Each girl had a different father whom none of them ever met. Their “Dad” adopted them all years ago and was much loved…when he passed away a few years ago the family came together in love and peace. And when Yvette still knew who they all were.

A broken family, for sure.

Chrissy ran away when she was 14, got herself mixed up with the wrong crowds. She ended up having a baby at age 15 and Yvette refused to support that- forcing Chrissy to live on her own in a run down apartment in Nahsua. She depended on selling drugs to make a living- she was too young to hold down a real job. She got caught and did some time for this; her son was taken into state custody for a little while. Eventually Yvette did manage to take her grandson into her care. And Chrissy smartened up and finished her education, got a decent job and got her life together. Chrissy only recently forgave Yvette for all that- about 5 years ago.

Kelly made it though high school and graduated; she promptly got married to her sweetheart and they had 4 kids together. Kelly was content to be a stay at home Mom- she had no aspirations to do anything else…Yvette always chided her for that. I could never figure that one out either- as Yvette didn’t have a career herself. Other than drinking. Kelly did everything to please Yvette too- she would cook wonderful meals and invite her Mom over to dinner. Yvette always had a complaint about something though.
She always found something to be critical of. Kelly’s hubby got tired of this and refused to allow his MIL to visit when he was home. So that placed a strain on the family. One night they were at Yvette’s house, visiting, when Yvette went beserk on her. She hit her and slapped her daughter, for no reason. She was drunk- which was always the case back in those days. Kelly never got over this.

Carly was the baby. She was the one who was spoiled and pampered. She never did anything wrong in Yvette’s eyes- even when it was clear she was doing wrong LOL. By the time Carly was born, the other girls had pretty much moved along in their lives- Kim was with David at that time. Carly came after our times in SLC. She is still a kid really- born in 1982- she finished up college a couple years ago- she is a teacher. She didn’t glide through life without issues though- just not as bad as her sisters. Carly is a good kid and turned out well, without having to go through hell first.

When it became evident that Yvette had some sort of dementia, they each took turns staying with her. Taking care of her when she didn’t think she needed the help. They watched their Mother grow into a paranoid woman who demanded privacy, but couldn’t be trusted to be safe. She almost burned her house down one time. She forgot to pay her bills- and had her electric turned off from time to time because of this. She bounced checks. She went food shopping four times a week because she forgot she had already done that…she forgot Dr appts.; she forgot to shower; she forgot how to cook. One thing she never lost though was her pocketbook. THAT was always with her.

As the disease progressed, Yvette became depressed. She would stay in her room for days on end. Kim and her sisters would do everything they could to try to bring her out of those stages but nothing ever worked. Yvette would cry. She would sleep for days. She wouldn’t move from that bed of hers.

Soon after this stage, she began that awful time of losing her humanity. This is the most difficult thing for any family to watch.
She would wander aimlessly everyday- for hours on end. Looking for things. The kids. Her parents. Her babies. Or is was- she was looking for the kitchen because she had to cook dinner. She always had something she was looking for. Its a stage of warped memories, all mixing together and causing much grief for the victim. Because they truly believe their children are lost– when THAT time of day arrives when the kids used to come home from school. Or the time of day for dinner…..we recongize where they are in their world by what they look for. When Yvette started looking for her Mother, we knew she was back in her own childhood.

At this time she forgot who her daughters were. She didn’t recognize them anymore.

There comes a time in every person who has Alzheimers, when everyone realizes it is a fatal disease. Once physical symptoms arise, most families see this. Yvette became incontinent. She lost her ability to do her daily tasks such as dressing herself, washing, brushing her teeth, eating. This is when most families pursue some sort of nursing home admission or at least in home help. Between all of them, Kim and her sisters managed this time without needing help.

Last March Yvette eloped from her house and was found on a highway in Antrim. That’s when Kim came back down from Alaska and moved her Mom into the apartment across the hall from me. It went downhill bigtime since then. Yvette needed total care
and total attention. She stopped walking. She stopped BEING. She stopped eating and drinking a week and a half ago.

They all get to say goodbye tomorrow morning. They have all forgiven Yvette for the troubles and problems and negativity. They loved their Mom in the end. It’s sad that it took a horrible disease to bring them all back together like this too.

OM fucking GAWD. LOL. I decided to check out some of the Personals at Yahoo==> with my friends looking over my shoulder to root and toot for me….yeah right.

So we’re searching for a man between the ages of 45 and 50, who lives within 10 miles of me…The results pop up with over 500 matches. I’m looking through them all, and come across THIS GEM.

In my own words

what I am NOT
- new SUV, suburban home, keep up with the Jones’, junkie.
- cable TV, cell, gadget collector.
- carrier of debt, credit card junkie.
- show off, tell all, boastful, flag waver.

what I am
- intellectual
…..multiple patents
…..work at home
…..self confident
…..just as apt to be out splitting wood as typing at a keyboard.
- socially
…..totally comfortable being alone
…..hate going to obligatory parties and events
…..very sarcastic sense of humor
…..will totally play down my success around others
…..enjoy letting others tell me how successful they are
- what does a woman want?
…..the special little things
…..you are never in doubt about how attractive you are.
…..you are never in doubt of my physical desire for you.
…..you are never in doubt of my resolve for us as a couple.
…..you do not want me to understand you as much as you want me to understand myself.
- financially independent
…..got it, but not tossing it around.
…..living economically(cheap?), living on less than my income.
…..no worries about debt or other negative financial issues.
…..I run the finances. I have mine, you have yours, and there is some we share.
…..own my own home.
…..semi retired.
- interests include:
…..restoring old cars
…..hot air ballooning
…..motorcycles
…..scuba diving(not recently)
…..airplane pilot(not recently)
…..hang gliding(eons ago)
- understand the toilet seat issue!!!
…..toilet seat is always down.
…..so is the cover.

you understand that
- down time is needed
- physical attraction is important. All the time. Both ways.
- it is not all about you!!!
- we both need our own time.
- every minute under the same roof is NOT couple time.
- I am not your sole method of self fulfillment. You have a life, goals, hobbies, interests, and friends. You understand how important a part those play in making you a whole, self confident person.
- a relationship is something that happens, not something that is planned, orchestrated, expected, owed, or a goal. Prince Charming found is a fantasy. A relationship is earned every day, it doesn’t simply occur and then exist. Prince Charming is made by your efforts, and the Princess is made by mine, each and every day.
- an enduring relationship is one in which each have our own lives, but also a life where we share, support, communicate and participate in the interests of each other.

you are:
- absolutely confident in yourself.
- totally happy with your life as it is right now.
- totally in realization of just how lucky we are to be healthy, living here, and rich with everything around us. Have and understanding of just how incredibly good we have it.
- in possesion of an attitude.
- drawing attention whenever you enter a room.
- getting buried with tons of replies to your profile already.
- getting pretty bored with all the replies your profile generates, and are wondering if any actual gentlemen are out here.
- wanting to jump up and down and yell or just shake your head in bewilderment of just how unbelievable a simple sunrise is.
- passionate, holding nothing back in the bedroom. You realize everytime may be the last time, and you treat it that way.
- forward and confident, enjoy taking the bull by the horns in life, love and career.
.
.
.
Okay, break the ice. I dare you.

Break the ice?

How about this?
You talk too much and that turns me off. Too many standards and expectations, you limit yourself with all this bullshit, which I can tell you are full OF IT! Good luck in your search pal! Now shut up and go away already.

OK I didn’t send this self-ego fondling freak any message but if I had the UMP to do it, that is what I would tell him.

This is the first and last time I visit ANY personals sites. It was more than enough to bore me. Ick.

mmmmmMMMMmmmmm

Want some??

Come on up and get some. There is plenty!!

I grew up on the shores of a small pond in a remote town in New Hampshire. The Pond, as we called it, was THE place to be. There was a trail that went around it, we called it the Path- and it had lots of rocks to climb over. And little streams that fed off the main water- where we made “bridges” out of old planks of wood from any one of our parents barns. On the very edges of the Pond, there were cattails by the thousands, and in the shallow waters- lily pads. Big and small.

We built tree forts and dug deep holes in the dirt along the Path- where we would bunker down for a day of imaginary games and wars and whatnot. I recall spending every day of the summers here- playing around this body of water that became a part of life. In the winter, we would ice skate on the pond and cheat the Path…we could build igloos on the ice and dig into HUGE snowbanks made by drifting winds. No matter what time of the year, the Pond offered us endless hours of fun.

My neighbors were my friends and they still are to this day. Kim and Jimmy grew up with me in this obscure place. Today, Kim and I went for a walk around the Pond, along the old Path. Brought back lots of memories.

The Pond had an abundance of wild flowers and bushes growing around it. Every variety of vegetition could be seen- flowers, trees, fruit bushes and grasses. Moss, mold, algae. It was a very cool place to be if you were a kid! The deep woods had a special scent to them- I can’t describe it. Part moss, part wet dirt…pine pitch from the thousands of trees of that variety…we liked to go there after it rained more than any other time. The leaves were slick and one had to be careful or fall.

The scents and scenes haven’t changed through the years. Kim and I noted right off- an old familiar place with the same boulders and other landmarks long since forgotten about, were still there. We recalled certain games and tasks we did around these areas- and we could almost hear the ghosts of ourselves out there- laughing, yelling, calling each other names and teasing- from way back in the early 1970’s. We came across old trees with our names inscribed into the bark with little pocket knives we had back then. It’s amazing how Mother Nature doesn’t erase these things. It’s been 30 years since we have been to the Pond.

As we walked along the Path, we wandered off of it to see long ago places of fun and frolic. There was the small hill of boulders which I sat on one day, only to get stung by a hornet because it was a nest I actually rested upon; then there was the old beat up log that Kim tried to do some acrobats on one day- only to get snarled up with some snakes who happened to call this their home. And the little stream that had a very weak log bridge over it- that Jimmy stepped on and quickly busted- and he fell into the cold stream and got caught up in the little waterfall that it turned into. We all survived these little mishaps and it made Kim and I laugh.

Things looked different. The Path was much bigger when we were kids. Or so it seems. Alot of tall grass has grown over it- what used to be a very distinct path is now a narrow rugged trail that one needs boots on to maneuver about. Some parts of this Path have been washed away and we had to look at the Pond to gain perspective as to where we were. As then, a lot of mud is everywhere.

Our houses that we grew up in are still standing. Kim grew up in a two story Cape Cod style house- with a huge yard and a long driveway with the white fences and stonewalls surrounding it. Jimmy’s house was a ultra modern thing of it’s day- half of it was underground and the other half barely above ground. Strange, on his property, his folks had a big red barn. They had a small farm too with horses and some cows, chickens, geese. The farm is gone along with the barn, but the house is still there. As it once was. My house was a gambrel style- big, three stories and we had a barn and a long driveway. We also had a boat house with a small boat we used to go fishing. It’s all still there.

In our yards we had dandilions and pink clover; along the path around the Pond were lilacs and morning glories, heather and Indian Paint Brushes- Lady Slippers grew in abundance; and in one special spot on the trail around this pond, grew wild roses. All summer long- these bushes were in full bloom. They smelled wonderful- the scent of wild flowers is always better than the cultured kind we buy from commercial sellers.

Today we found these same roses, in the same location, untouched by man. The roses are still out, even when it’s been so cool here lately. There were thousands of them- bushes- wild and tall and colorful. And they smelled the same as they did 30 yrs ago.

It seemed that no matter where one walked though, the Queen Ann’s Lace was over abundant. It was everywhere- along the road, the trail, in the yards, in the woods. Next to the birch trees with their white peeling bark. In the deep woods near moss covered rocks and boulders. Everyone told me that this Queen Ann lace was really just a weed. That is wasn’t a true flower. I never believed them. I loved the slight fragrance that emitted from the delicate white flowers that did look like lace.

We used to pick bunches of the Queen Ann and roses and give them to our mothers. Mixed in with whatever other flower we thought would look pretty at the time- sometimes those morning glories, others it might be dandilions. We would present them with much anticipation and pride. NO matter- our Mom’s always loved the thought and would place the bouquets into vases of water and place them on shiny wood tables near the front door. The flowers died eventually but not the smiles they brought to our Moms.

It was an interesting day- going back to this place. It’s not the first time I have been back- I have taken my daughters on walks around the Pond several times. This was the first time Kim and I went back. Our dogs came with us- Kim’s BIG DOG named Tank- who stands 4 1 1/2 feet tall and weighs over 120lbs. He loved the walk and went for a swim…Taz came along as well and got into the mud before the water. They chased snakes and frogs and stood in bewlidered shock looking at the salamanders.

I HATE flowers, but I had to pick a huge bunch of those roses and Queen Ann lace today- for memory sake. They sit in front of me here now, in an old stoneware crock. I plan to dry them and press them. It’s good to travel back in time now and again, live and in person, to see those places that helped make you who you are.

Saturday evening I had an opportunity to go see Roger Waters perform in Mansfield MA…what an awesome show it was. All Pink Floyd too. I have seen him before and it’s pretty much the same things. Same with David Gilmore’s shows. I just love them.
I wish Pink Floyd were together still, but- seeing these icons perform is good enough because the PF spirit shines on through them.
The concert was rowdy and fun and obnoxious and just a blast. We got a little drunk driving down there- NO- I wasn’t driving. We had someone else do that. Heh. YES it was a shirt removing event too. FUN.

The wailing Great Gig In The Sky to the hearty and rough High Hopes- I loved every moment of this concert and cherish the times I go. Rumor was rampant that Gilmore will be doing a show and he’s coming to MA too….I will be there.

HEY YO…HEY YO….about twenty five times.
Then the last song:
hello, is there anybody IN there??

We go total FLOYDIAN.

I don’t know how I made it to work Sunday am. But I did…quite the mess and I had to shower there and all that. BUT at least I showed up and went about my day without any major problems. I had to keep moving though or I would have collapsed. I guess a third wind came upon me too. Channy got a brilliant idea at 8pm Sunday: “Let’s go to Ground Zero tomorrow!!”

HUH??

So it was. Two rigs full of crazy sleep deprived patriotic American FOOLS driving to NYC at 1am. Singing. Laughing. Crying. Sleeping. Barking (the dogs.) We got there at 5am and did a quick round to donut shops for a wash and coffee. Then we went to the surrounding area of GZ. It was very somber and sad. When the bag pipes started my tears came. Always wear sun glasses to these things. I saw President and Mrs. Bush from a distance. They seemed so little from my vantage viewpoint. The tolling of the bell shook my sense of reality - and appearently Mrs. Bush’s as well. She wiped tears several times. To hear all those names- makes you think about how lucky we have it. Just to be alive. I never get over the towers not being there either. When you look up to the sky you expect to see them, still, after 5 yrs. But they are gone. A large empty void has been left.

I remembered being at the towers. Both of them. Tall, very tall. Gleaming concrete. And the glass. Elegant elevators with all those high end shops. Up one set of levels, then walk over to the next elevators…I remember eating at Windows of The World.
The sights from up there even on a foggy Manhattan morning. The life too. Laughter. Talking. Gossip. The friendliness. And the food. The buildings always swayed a little. When you were out on the observe deck, you felt it. And sort of saw it too. If one paid to much attention to it they might even get sea sick. Windy- I lost my Patsy hat on the roof of that building. We watched it go down- falling ever so gracefully. I thought of that moment, and then thought of the people who jumped. Damn.

We drove back home through western MA and the Berkshires- quiet elite towns and those elegant and rich neighborhoods. I saw houses I cannot imagine anyone NEEDING to actually live in. HUGE. Must have 20 bedrooms. Large spans of lawns and flowers and fancy gardens. I bet they spend my yearly income on landscaping alone. Wow. Pretty but…not my kind of area. In one town we counted 20 miles between houses. THAT’s insane. Who wants to be that excluded from anything and everything? I guess some people prize that stuff.

On the Ireland trip one of the members of our group spent some time with me…his name is Matt and he lives in upstate NY. I hung out with him alot in Belfast and Ole Kinsale. I figured I would never see him again after we parted- I had to come home early. HE is the the guy who took pictures of my boobies LOL…he’s got a real nice rig of a camera and is a pro with pictures.
Anyway he sent these pictures to me yesterday and then called me. I forgot that I had given him my number. We talked for a while and…I got a….DATE…with him. He’s coming to my work Friday afternoon to have dinner with me on my break. How effin cool is that? Coming all the way from NY to spend an hour. With me. He promised me he was interested in seeing me and not the boobs…LOL since he’s already seen them for the most part this could be interesting. I am looking forward.

Oh puleeeeeze. Not another list of lists. See why I don’t want to be involved with anyone? They make it out to be freakin WORK.

Relationship Equivalency Exam for Men

1. English: What does it mean when you say, “I’ll call you?”

2. Math: How many women can you have sex with and still be monogamous?

3. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, “I love you?”

4. Economics: Who pays for dinner if your date makes more than you, and how long before you resent her for it?

5. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink, knowing full well your girlfriend needs the whole sink for her items.

I don’t know. Here’s what I can see my male friends saying about this:

1) If I liked you, you’ll hear from me. If I don’t like you, you WONT.
2) 100’s (LOL) Seriously, 100’s!! As many as I want.
3) Marriage, children, houses, mortage payments, being home every night, housework…
4) She pays unless I like her.
5) Why would I want to be with someone who needs all that crap???

And now for the women:

Relationship Equivalency Exam for Women

1. English: When you say, “I’m not in a rush to get married,” define the word “rush.”

2. Math: Is the amount of minutes it takes you to evaluate a date as a potential husband more than or equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to identify and ignore the red flags?

3. Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, “I need space?”

4. Economics: How much should you pay for an apartment you never visit in order to keep a boyfriend from freaking out that you live in his?

5. Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink while still maintaining the illusion that you wake up looking this good.

I can’t speak for the men- or most women for that matter. I can only speak for myself and…

1) I will RUN if I hear the word marriage!
2) Huh?? GO away nerd.
3) I’m the one who needs space.
4) I’m the one who invites HIM over to my place. None of this going over to HIS place. LOL.
5) What bathroom items? My toothpaste and brush, my comb and a deodorant? I wake up looking like I do all the time.

I have been thinking again, which always tends to get me into trouble. Thinking about how much happier I really have been since I decided to end my marriage. Does that make me a bad woman? To be the one who initiated the split; to be the one who resisted any form of reconciliation?

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m on a break at work; it’s been a rough couple days here. I’m bitchy and moody and well, let’s just say-I’m not very personable right now. Everyone is staying away and that is a good thing.

We worked short yesterday. When I say “WE”- I mean me and the nurse. And no one else. From 2 pm on. It was Labor Day after all; a nice sunny warm day and you know- I guess they all just felt they deserved THE day off and the hell with work. The hell with the patients and their needs and wants. And who cares about the staff who have a little bit of moral and ethical responsibility- the little inner voices that tell us– work calls. Go in. Do your job. Do it well.

There were supposed to be 7 of us working, which is challenging in itself…BUT TWO?????? Was totally unsafe and it just can’t happen again. We have 20 high acuity, medically fragile patients. Many have heart conditions. Many have seizure conditions. 10 require ventilator support for breathing; they all have trachs which require constant care. I can say without much doubt it was one of the very worst days I have ever had at work. I called the bosses. Most of them were not home…but, of all the big whigs and nurses and aides who I called, I managed to get a message to one of the doctors. Who shows up at 5:30pm to HELP ME GET MY SHIT DONE. A doctor. MD. Took his Labor Day evening and spent it at work, helping me. Bet not too many folks can say they have seen this sort of thing occur.

He got a good first hand look at how hard this work is- made even more difficult by the endless round of tasks that have to be performed. Nevermind spending quality time with your patients. Just keeping them safe- comfortable, medicated, suctioned, fed, range-of-motioned, bathed, toileted, repositioned (every hour or so)…the constant monitoring of machines and pumps; the checking of valves and lines and tubes and collection bags…the Doc was good natured about it all and he was a BIG help. He called a couple of his friends up to work- they cleaned the kitchen and dining areas and took out the trash (one set of tasks that are usually done by nursing staff)…And they were a set of eyes on those patients who are able to be out of their beds.

Kim and Channy showed up a little while ago…they brought me some Dunkies coffee and Taz- who is staying at work with me tonight. He’s in the back room with me right now…and when I get back out to the unit he hangs out in the living room area with the patients who are up and about. They love him as he is so entertaining. I have permission to let him stay here with me; he had to pass several state physicals as well as specific work rules before he was allowed to roam the premises. He cannot enter any of the actual medical units though. But it’s great to have him here- he makes me smile with his endless licks and happiness.

There are enough of US here today and into tonight. We’re hoping to get in a break later where we can go out to the front field and play a game of touch football. We do that to blow off some steam. The long day is more than half over and it’s much better than yesterday!

…I am often struck by how hard everyone is working. Harder than before, it seems. To be stuck in rush-hour traffic in the early morning is to be surrounded by people who are dutifully making their ways to desks and benches and counters and nursing stations and keyboards and cement mixers and cash registers and stools.

There’s no comparison to ANYONE who is stuck in a traffic jam rushing to a desk, bench, counter or keyboard job….vs those who are working in nursing. No comparison. Nursing is hard work- and this work is done 24/7/365- we have no holidays, no Labor Day.
If we didn’t LOVE this work….