The battle of recovery can be optimistic or pessimistic
Posted by Raven on 30th September 2007
The mother of one of my patients (a Marine) pointed me to this article this morning. She was quite upset with the portrayal of wounded soldiers and Marines in the manner presented in this story…and her words resonate strongly:
“Be grateful they have memories of their battles. I would give anything including my own life for my son to remember.”
TEMECULA, Calif. (AP) - He was one of America’s first defenders on Sept. 11, 2001, a Marine who pulled burned bodies from the ruins of the Pentagon. He saw more horrors in Kuwait and Iraq.
Today, he can’t keep a job, pay his bills, or chase thoughts of suicide from his tortured brain. In a few weeks, he may lose his house, too.
Gamal Awad, the American son of a Sudanese immigrant, exemplifies an emerging group of war veterans: the economic casualties.
[…]
“The wounded and their families no longer trust that the government will take care of them the way they thought they’d be taken care of,” says veterans advocate Mary Ellen Salzano.How does a war veteran expect to be treated? “As a hero,” she says.
Not all soldiers and Marines will agree with this. A great many of them would prefer not to be known as heroes. My work is with profoundly brain injured young people- teenagers, young adults and we serve some wounded Marines now. You learn a lot about human strength through the struggles these families must endure. And like my patient’s Mom says- theres a fine line between garnering sympathy and expecting the government to fix every problem, vs. taking charge of your own problems and working towards a solution. The battle of recovery can be optimistic or pessimistic. Most people find a balance- they mourn what they have lost, yet they are also grateful for what they have.
Every morning, Awad needs to think of a reason not to kill himself.
He can’t even look at the framed photograph that shows him accepting a Marine heroism medal for his recovery work at the Pentagon after the terrorist attack.
It might remind him of a burned woman whose skin peeled off in his hands when he tried to comfort her.
He tries not to hear the shrieking rockets of Iraq either, smell the burning fuel, or relive the blast that blew him right out of bed.
The memories come steamrolling back anyway.
“Nothing can turn off those things,” he says, voice choked and eyes glistening.
You know, when I read lines like this, I lose respect and sympathy…does that make me cruel or cold? I don’t think so. Mr. Awad should realize he is lucky to be alive. He should visit with some of my patients- who are alive, but who have lost it all. My patients who have little to no recollection of their personhood- or their family and friends. They who have lost portions of their brain yet manage to breathe and who are kept alive by machines.
When the time comes for the machines to stop doing the work, many of my patients continue to live, but they are never ever going to be the person they were prior to their injuries. As mean as it sounds, the Mom made reference to the sad thought she had- where she wishes her son would be able to express feelings and suicidal ideation. She would give almost anything for her son to express his thoughts, to cry, to have emotions and to feel anger.
She hasn’t heard her sons voice in 5 months. Chances are very high she never will hear him speak again either.
He stews alternately over suicide and finances, his $43,000 in credit card debt, his $4,330 in federal checks each month - the government’s compensation for his total disability from post-traumatic stress disorder. His flashbacks, thoughts of suicide, and anxiety over imagined threats - all documented for six years in his military record - keep him from working.
The disability payments don’t cover the $5,700-a-month cost of his adjustable home mortgage and equity loans. He owes more on his house than its market value, so he can’t sell it - but he may soon lose it to the bank.
“I love this house. It makes me feel safe,” he says.
Awad could once afford it. He used to earn $100,000 a year as a 16-year veteran major with a master’s degree in management who excelled at logistics. Now, at age 38, he can’t even manage his own life.
Sometimes people take advantage of post traumatic stress syndrome and all the havoc it can wreck. Other times people blame their already present problems and use a newly DX PTSD as an excuse. It’s very difficult to differentiate from the real honest life altering problems PTSD can create. Is it up to our government, the VA and military, to cover the expenses of those who are taking advantage? I think not. My patient’s Mom was extremely irate about this because, again, she would move mountains to hear her son complain about his finances.
There’s another twist. This dedicated Marine was given a “general” discharge 15 months ago for an extramarital affair with a woman, also a Marine. That’s even though his military therapists blamed this impulsive conduct on post-traumatic stress aggravated by his Middle East tours.
Luckily, his discharge, though not unqualifiedly honorable, left intact his rights to medical care and disability payments - or he’d be in sadder shape.
Hmm…Problems in marriages are forever present; and yes the separation of wars and battles can amplify them. An act of infidelity could be called impulsive…but a longer term “affair” cannot. We make choices, and we know the possible outcomes of our actions for most choices we make. Mr. Awad is trying to pass the buck here, and I’m pretty shocked his therapists have helped him along. In my opinion he is certainly taking advantage now.
Divorced since developing PTSD, Awad has two daughters who live elsewhere. He spends much of his days hoisting weights and thwacking a punching bag in the dimness of his garage. He passes nights largely sleepless, a zombie shuffling through the bare rooms of his home in sunny California wine country.
Few anticipated the high price of caring for Awad and other veterans with deep, slow-healing wounds.
Awad needs to just deal. He needs to get a grip and stop blaming everyone for his own problems, and especially he needs to stop expecting the government to bail him out. He’s lost much, yes. But he’s brought a lot of this upon himself. Whether he was rational or not isn’t in the running here- hes become a loose cannon in his own battle. He can change his course if he wants. He can become the man he once was- he has all his parts and most importantly, he has his brain, his mind. So many others do NOT.
Millions of fine men have seen much worse than he has; millions of men have been to war, come home, canned their battlefield memories and moved on with life. Some suggest repressing those memories is not a good thing. Maybe. But men have the ability to do this and do it well. My own father was a WW 2 veteran, who saw a lot of action, he saw entire ships blown up and men’s bodies strewn across the oceans in bits and pieces…he lost many friends. He also bared witness to the horrors of the concentration camps as they were found in the days right before that war ended. He didn’t dwell upon the sights and scents; he didn’t speak of these things often. He got on with his life, enjoyed that life and made a good name for himself.
Compare the young Marine who lost half of his brain to an IED in Iraq…who is alive, barely and whose body is merely a shell of what he once was; he who cannot look around because his neck is paralyzed. The once strong and handsome young man who had a beautiful and sexy girlfriend- that he bragged about to his buddies and shared tales of lust over. When he sees her picture, the only reaction might be a tear. The young man who has no control over his bodily functions, who cannot eat orally, who will never walk, talk, make love, dance or drive or have children. Never mind the career, the house, the worries about finances, the dreams he had of his life…and God only knows what his nightmares might be like now.
Mr. Awad needs to stop taking advantage of the problems he calls insurmountable. The mind is a terrible thing to waste Mr. Awad; but it’s even worse when its taken away from you. He really needs to meet my Marine patient and his Mother - and take stock of what’s truly a loss.
Posted in Life Counts, Medical/Nursing | 7 Comments »
