Just Raven

…It depends upon who is asking the question.

I can so relate to this man’s dilemma.

To be a friend or more? Tough to know…

“I miss you so much,” she says when we talk on the phone.
“Me, too,” I say.
“When are we going see each other again?”
Sigh.

The woman on the line not my girlfriend. She’s not even my ex-girlfriend. She’s my Good Female Friend. GFF and I are close - almost sister-brother close. We’re affectionate. We discuss relationship blowouts and redemptions. We meet for drinks. Sometimes we hold hands, walking that line between “I feel close to you” and “What if?”

Had circumstances been different (mainly, if I had met her before she met her current mate), we might be lovers. Sometimes, when I see GFF, in my fantasy world I’m tempted to make a pass at her. And an irrational jealousy crops up when I know she’s visiting her long-term, long-distance love.

I feel his pain…and I consider myself to be in HIS shoes in this article. I’ve got more guy friends than girl friends, and I gravitate to the men for friendship over the women. Problem is, most of these guy friends think “friendship” means something else. It’s difficult for them to separate the two forms of “friendly”. It’s usually up to us women to draw the lines. Once we do, and if they can be sustained, the friendships are valuable and important.

As a 41-year-old still figuring out this being-single thing, I have not mastered the high-wire act of staying friends with females. Historically, it’s been a snag in my other relationships. How to be intimate without succumbing to crushes, footsie under the table, or e-mail innuendo promising worse? Faced with forging platonic bonds, I have behaved confusedly. Or you could say badly. Severing all contact - or rather, the furious female cutting me off - has sometimes been the solution. Like a child, perhaps I just need attention. Affirmation that I’m attractive. To feel the electricity of call and response. But do I need to see every new woman as a potential date, or can I turn off the flirt in me? I’m learning the hard way, one wrecked friendship at a time.

I’m 42, and only recently single. Having been married since I was 16, I never played the games and sowed the oats and all that. Heck I never dated; I have never been exposed to this funky and just awful world of being single and looking for THE perfect ONE.

I’ve learned a lot, quite fast, about how men and women interact and while it’s great at first, most “frendships” do end up as wrecks- to the point where I now know when to avoid it at all costs. I’m the one who severs contact and who ignores and walks and pushes away potential friends and….lovers. I’m the one who will emotionally turn myself OFF in an effort to avoid a crush or other BAD behavior. I’m the one who has trouble identifying a friend from a potential lover. And it sucks to know you can’t decide when a man is really interested in all of YOU or when he’s just out for a good time with no strings. Men, by nature, will pursue a woman they want using the same antics and tactics no matter whether he’s seeking a bed buddy or someone more important.

Though my desire to be desired clearly overrides my common sense, I finally realized I can draw lines. I do have conscious choices: Either pursue a woman as a love interest or keep her as a confidante. Once I’ve been clear with her and myself about which way it’s going to go - buddy or bed-buddy - it’s a heckuva lot less stressful. Plus, I’ve increased my pool of potential friends by roughly half the population. Which is great, because it turns out I’m really into women.

LOL oh do I relate…I too have realized that it IS all within me to decide where to take a friendship. And in most situations, I choose the buddy route ANYDAY over the other, because once the OTHER is there, the friendship factor ends.

I have yet to find THE perfect one, and I doubt there is such a person. (For anyone, not just me)…I do know that we can have both, but it takes a long time to nurture such relationships. Once a couple gets there though, NOTHING can mess it up. They stay together, are happy and grow old with love and respect and all those things I really want. I have pretty high expectations and I never EVER thought I would. I guess, once one has been out to play the games and see the world and what it offers, you have little choice with this. Otherwise you settle for he wrong person thinking theres no one else. And you settle for a life of misery and bitterness.

Not that long ago I looked at expectations as a bad thing- that get in the way of good times and the natural course of events we each have coming to us (our fate perhaps?). But I have discovered one thing with all this: Our destiny can be altered if we have high expectations- of ourselves and those we befriend, as well as our work and career.

One surprise: Even after a gaffe or a one-night stand, I’ve discovered, a friendship can be salvaged. To illustrate my new shift from flirty to friendly, let me tell you about an artist whom I met at a party. We’d also done the “missed signal” dance at her doorstep (apparently my specialty). We’d stayed up for tea past the last T. We actually shared a bed and survived a 2 a.m. groping that fortunately went nowhere. What had possessed me to cross that line and sabotage a friendship that was on a track to be non-amorous but fun? Idiot. After a tough talk, we decided we liked each other too much not to be pals.

It’s easy to rumble and tumble with a friend that isn’t a GOOD friend, one that you see once in awhile. One who you don’t have an emotional bond with…cheap, cold quick relationships that leave a void in the heart and soul. Sure, these might satisfy a sexual appetite but that’s not enough for most people- of both sexes.

And here lies the problem for we women: That bond. It’s gotta be there. Along with trust. And respect. And all those elements of friendship. You know, men expect the same things with their male friends…so it’s not a WOMAN thing. The issue becomes a THING when sex becomes an expectation, too early, in a relationship.

I can say that 99% of women who chose to rumble with men they don’t know well are pushing their instincts and feelings aside and are only shortchanging themselves. The one night stands and short term flings are meaningless and wastes of our time. And for some women, all these activities do is teach us how to be UNemotional, UNfeeling, ANALytic, LOGIcal and otherwise UNfeminine.

Kind of like men can be.

It’s ironic.

Life can be so full of interesting stuff. We learn a lot from watching others. We learn a lot also by our own experiences and many of these are not fun. Hopefully we learn from mistakes and move on not repeating them. It’s not easy- and I have found when it comes to any and all things MEN and WOMEN, we have to keep our guard up at all times and to never let the feelings and emotions and other feminine THINGS get in the way of considering what a friend ship is worth. I’ve learned to use my logical, analytical and unemotional thought process guide me. It leaves me with much fewer choices though.

This article gave me some hope- that not all men are willing to sacrifice women-friends based upon the sexual content of the relationship. That some just enjoy us for who we are. Thankfully my guy friends do value me for ME and not my very feminine side.
I only wish those men who wish to be more than my friend could treat me as well as they treat their regular friends (if that makes sense).