Kim’s Mom
Posted by Raven on September 28th, 2006
It’s been a long week and it’s just about over.
Kim’s mother died Tuesday evening. At the hospital, surrounded by her daughters. Yvette wasn’t that old really. She was 72, and she had Alzheimers Disease. For the past 10 yrs of her life. Maybe even longer.
Tomorrow morning they’re holding a small service at Pack Monadnock; after which Yvette’s ashes will be put out to the wind. Her wishes. The family isn’t religious at all, so this isn’t a funeral per say. Just a little gathering with some prayers- a Priest will preside and then leave. It’s a beautiful place up there, atop that small mountain with a view of hundreds of miles on a clear day. As per Yvette’s wishes, only the family will be attending. And it will be early enough in the am where no one else will be up there.
Kim is sad but relieved. She watched her Mother decline, slow at first but then the deterioration became monumental in the past three years. It made things very difficult.
Kim didn’t get along with her Mom. They never saw eye to eye on anything; Yvette was always critical and negative of Kim, and Chrissy, Kelly and Carly. A broken family. Each girl had a different father whom none of them ever met. Their “Dad” adopted them all years ago and was much loved…when he passed away a few years ago the family came together in love and peace. And when Yvette still knew who they all were.
A broken family, for sure.
Chrissy ran away when she was 14, got herself mixed up with the wrong crowds. She ended up having a baby at age 15 and Yvette refused to support that- forcing Chrissy to live on her own in a run down apartment in Nahsua. She depended on selling drugs to make a living- she was too young to hold down a real job. She got caught and did some time for this; her son was taken into state custody for a little while. Eventually Yvette did manage to take her grandson into her care. And Chrissy smartened up and finished her education, got a decent job and got her life together. Chrissy only recently forgave Yvette for all that- about 5 years ago.
Kelly made it though high school and graduated; she promptly got married to her sweetheart and they had 4 kids together. Kelly was content to be a stay at home Mom- she had no aspirations to do anything else…Yvette always chided her for that. I could never figure that one out either- as Yvette didn’t have a career herself. Other than drinking. Kelly did everything to please Yvette too- she would cook wonderful meals and invite her Mom over to dinner. Yvette always had a complaint about something though.
She always found something to be critical of. Kelly’s hubby got tired of this and refused to allow his MIL to visit when he was home. So that placed a strain on the family. One night they were at Yvette’s house, visiting, when Yvette went beserk on her. She hit her and slapped her daughter, for no reason. She was drunk- which was always the case back in those days. Kelly never got over this.
Carly was the baby. She was the one who was spoiled and pampered. She never did anything wrong in Yvette’s eyes- even when it was clear she was doing wrong LOL. By the time Carly was born, the other girls had pretty much moved along in their lives- Kim was with David at that time. Carly came after our times in SLC. She is still a kid really- born in 1982- she finished up college a couple years ago- she is a teacher. She didn’t glide through life without issues though- just not as bad as her sisters. Carly is a good kid and turned out well, without having to go through hell first.
When it became evident that Yvette had some sort of dementia, they each took turns staying with her. Taking care of her when she didn’t think she needed the help. They watched their Mother grow into a paranoid woman who demanded privacy, but couldn’t be trusted to be safe. She almost burned her house down one time. She forgot to pay her bills- and had her electric turned off from time to time because of this. She bounced checks. She went food shopping four times a week because she forgot she had already done that…she forgot Dr appts.; she forgot to shower; she forgot how to cook. One thing she never lost though was her pocketbook. THAT was always with her.
As the disease progressed, Yvette became depressed. She would stay in her room for days on end. Kim and her sisters would do everything they could to try to bring her out of those stages but nothing ever worked. Yvette would cry. She would sleep for days. She wouldn’t move from that bed of hers.
Soon after this stage, she began that awful time of losing her humanity. This is the most difficult thing for any family to watch.
She would wander aimlessly everyday- for hours on end. Looking for things. The kids. Her parents. Her babies. Or is was- she was looking for the kitchen because she had to cook dinner. She always had something she was looking for. Its a stage of warped memories, all mixing together and causing much grief for the victim. Because they truly believe their children are lost– when THAT time of day arrives when the kids used to come home from school. Or the time of day for dinner…..we recongize where they are in their world by what they look for. When Yvette started looking for her Mother, we knew she was back in her own childhood.
At this time she forgot who her daughters were. She didn’t recognize them anymore.
There comes a time in every person who has Alzheimers, when everyone realizes it is a fatal disease. Once physical symptoms arise, most families see this. Yvette became incontinent. She lost her ability to do her daily tasks such as dressing herself, washing, brushing her teeth, eating. This is when most families pursue some sort of nursing home admission or at least in home help. Between all of them, Kim and her sisters managed this time without needing help.
Last March Yvette eloped from her house and was found on a highway in Antrim. That’s when Kim came back down from Alaska and moved her Mom into the apartment across the hall from me. It went downhill bigtime since then. Yvette needed total care
and total attention. She stopped walking. She stopped BEING. She stopped eating and drinking a week and a half ago.
They all get to say goodbye tomorrow morning. They have all forgiven Yvette for the troubles and problems and negativity. They loved their Mom in the end. It’s sad that it took a horrible disease to bring them all back together like this too.
September 29th, 2006 at 10:10 am
My maternal grandmother died of Alzheimer’s last year. Fortunately for her, the end came relatively quickly once the disease set in; she only had to suffer for eight months or so. She was 99 when she died.
I only became aware a few years ago that there were always mother-daughter issues between her and my mother (although nothing as severe as what you describe). My grandmother was pretty demanding. For the last 7-8 years of her life, she suffered from osteoporosis and was confined to bed and wheelchair; even in her frail, underweight condition, her legs wouldn’t support her weight. My mother moved her to various nursing homes, trying to find someplace she would like, but she was hyper-critical of all of them. She always wanted to move back to her house, but that was impossible. She couldn’t take care of herself, much less keep up with maintaining a house. And, the neighborhood was going down, and it was dangerous for an elderly lady to be there by herself. My poor mom and stepfather did the best they could, and she didn’t have a lot of help. Admittedly, a nursing home isn’t a bed of roses. For one, the food was awful. Whenever I or my brother would go to visit her, we’d smuggle in a hamburger.
The last time I saw her was Christmas 2004. She had been hard of hearing for some years, so having a conversation with her was always difficult, but up until then she had been sharp of mind. I always brought her a puzzle book; she was an avid fan of acrostic puzzles. Since she couldn’t hear me very well, the conversation usually consisted of saying hello and then me listening while she told me randomly selected stories of her life: her days as a young lady, her father (who was murdered in a grocery store robbery), my mother’s childhood, etc. I didn’t mind; I actually enjoyed hearing the stories. I had been to see her the previous October, and she had seemed confused; she kept losing the thread of what she was trying to say, and had to start over. I had mentioned it to my mom at the time, and she told the nursing home staff about it. They thought it might have been caused by the painkillers she was prescribed, and that they would try something else.
However, the Christmas visit was different. She thought I was my uncle. And at the time, my uncle was going through a separation with his wife, and ehe talked to me about personal details of his marriage that I really didn’t want to hear — TMI. It was highly embarassing and a little frightening. I tried several times to convince her that I wasn’t my uncle, but then, she started addressing me as if I were my stepfather. At that point, it started to get creepy. I wrapped up the conversation as quickly as I could without being rude, and left.
There was no doubt now about what it was, and I knew when I left that I had just had my last conversation with my grandmother. She died in August 2005, ironically while my mother was on an overseas business trip. My uncle called and told me. I offered to help with the arrangements, but he insisted on doing it all himself. We had the funeral after my mom got back. My maternal grandfatehr died in 1961, when I was but a toddler; I only barely remember him. My grandmother never remarried or even dated again as far as I know. She lived over half of her life as a widow. I guess she was finally ready to rejoin her husband.
September 29th, 2006 at 7:37 pm
Some people have the fast form of AD- they are lucky, I hate to say. Others have it for 20 yrs. The confusion and cross generational talk can be very upsetting for families. One thing that is SO hard to deal with is when families don’t realize how far advanced the disease has gotten. People with this disease learn early on how to hide many of their own symptoms. So they appear to be a little forgettful when in fact the process is in a later stage.
It’s the WORST of all the diseases anyone can get. I would rather die of cancers all over me!