Love and Marriage; Divorce And Money: Connections
Material GalSome boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think theyre o.k.
If they dont give me proper credit
I just walk awayThey can beg and they can plead
But they cant see the light, thats right
cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always mister right, cause we areLiving in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
Cotillion sister Fausta posted about relationships, men, women, marriage and divorce and all that good stuff. She pointed me to a blog where a man, Francis, has a lot to say.
It bothered me to read Francis’s thoughts because of the truth behind them. Men do get screwed over, financially, when it comes to expectations and marriage. And divorce:
Let’s not blind ourselves to the realities. At this time, the legal obligations of the marital state fall de facto on the husband. If the wife becomes dissatisfied, she can simply declare “irreconcilable differences” and haul stakes, taking any children and much of her husband’s income and savings along with her.
I’ve seen this happen.
For what it’s worth, when I got my divorce I was asked, I was begged, to take money and joint properties and belongings as part of a settlement. I refused it all. I refused alimony, any funds from the sale of the house and other things. The judge who presided over my divorce took me into his chamber to see if there was something “going on” that was making me so stubborn with my refusals. There wasn’t. I didn’t want one penny of my X’s money. I didn’t want to be dependent upon the man I no longer loved. In my mind the marriage was over and I wanted it be in all ways, OVER.
While Francis whines about the woes of single men and marriage and all the problems it creates, I read this last week with a certain amount of amusement.
According to Nicola Cairncross, a speaker on women’s finance and author of the book The Money Gym: The Ultimate Wealth Workout, the more successful a woman becomes, the harder she will find it is to meet the right man; and, she warns, the more likely it is that any relationship will founder.
Ms Cairncross, who runs seminars aimed at helping successful women cope with their wealth, says: “Sadly, the clever, attractive Alpha woman who has set her sights on an Alpha man is likely to be very disappointed.
“Alpha men come home at night after a day of competing in the boardroom and the last thing they want is to compete with an assertive wife as well.
“He wants an easy life, someone to stroke his fevered brow, and that means marrying a feminine, girly Beta woman who doesn’t have the masculine competitive traits of her Alpha sister.
“Successful women want everything just so and they have high aspirations, even in their relationships. But I have to tell them ‘You simply cannot have it all,’ and to expect that the higher they go, and the more they earn, the harder it may be to make a relationship work for them.”
I can really ask now: WHAT DO MEN WANT? A woman who is totally or even partially dependent upon him? Or a wealthy woman who calls the shots? Hmm. I smell some hypocrisy here. And it really stinks, guys.
My own personal motto that gets me through so much of this foolishness:
Money gets in the way of so many things. IT really is the root of most evils. So I avoid those who have lots of IT. And those who place too much value upon IT.
Back to the Francis:
Is she obsessed with material goods? Virtually every man knows times of hardship, whatever the reason. Would she stand by you loyally, should you experience one, or would she add to your stresses? What would her family and friends say to her in such circumstances?
I have always advised my daughters, who are of age now, to judge people on their material goods. When a person places high value on high end possessions- it’s a good sign they are very dependent on money and lots of it. This is all fine and well for most people…after all isn’t this what we work for? To be rich and have no needs in life? When people become addicted to money and all it can enable and provide, they are weak in character in my opinion.
It goes both ways too- men and women. They become slaves to their bank accounts and all the glam and glitter of material possessions. While nice to have, these things are not needed. We can live quite well without them. I choose to live without the material goods because I am a practical person who does not wish to become a material gal. No thanks. Possessions mean nothing to me. This lifestyle keeps me honest and simple. And it enables me to remain totally independent which is something I place very high value on.
I brought my daughters up to KNOW that money is not important nor necessary for happiness and contentment. Love and money do not share any common good. I brought them up to be independent and to always look out for themselves first- in every sense. When the time comes for sharing love and life, money can be shared at that time…but they must always have the ways and means to provide for themselves. To do otherwise is just stupid in todays world. Women need men who have character and honor and morals and values. Not men who worry and whine about money and divorces and all that. When we remove this “issue” from the table, things take on a different meaning.
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A whine is an unjustified complaint, usually delivered in a peevish tone. As I’m happily married 16 years, I have no complaint to make. So either it’s “truth” or it’s a “whine,” dear. Can’t be both. Or are you saying “In querella veritas” — “In whine there is truth” — ?
(My Latin still comes in handy now and then. Father Keaveny would be so proud.)
November 2nd, 2007 | #
Oh Francis get a grip. You have to admit your post does come across abit…bitter…whiney…full of complaints and what not. At least thats what I got when I read it. And I’ll be honest with you, after reading your post I find it very hard to believe you’re happily married. I sense some bitter BS here.
Some points of your post were valid and some totally not. I feel bad for men who get screwed over and I know many women who think they are entitled to IT ALL once divorce enters the picture. But I also feel bad for the women who have birthed the kids, kept the house clean and maybe held down a job all along too; who has put up with things perhaps not all good in a relationship= only to be put out on the street when divorce time pops up. This is why I tell my daughters to stay as independent as possible and to always have their own backup plan in place. One never knows.
Money ruins a lot of things. I don’t want it. Nor do I want it both it ways. No thanks. if people ask me, I tell them to avoid marriage like it was a terminal illness. Because in many ways I believe it is.
November 2nd, 2007 | #
God bless and my parents divorced after 35 years Raven …. it was bloody and ugly and the NJ lawyers ripped both of my parents off! - The Devil’s Advocate 1993
November 2nd, 2007 | #
In my own personal experience, 3 out of about 35 or so of my married friends look like they have a chance in the long-run. Many of them are already divorced at least once. It’s about 1/2 and 1/2 on whose fault is is when it comes to cheating.
Which is part of the reason I freaked when my last girlfriend started dropping hints. In hindsight it was probably a mistake, but one never knows.
November 2nd, 2007 | #
PS Raven: John Hagee made sense a few weeks back when he said, and I’m paraphrasing, “Beware of the evil ISMS of this world….humanism, communism, materialism, socialism, islamofascism, relativism, totalitarianism, atheism…” and I add never want to keep up with the Jonesesisms. Money is the root of all evil and our Lord was sold out for 30 pieces of silver… and THEY wanted Barabbas? And the word ‘live’ backwards is evil - for some.
November 3rd, 2007 | #
I swear I live on a different planet. Of the ten or so couples closest to us over the course of our 30+ year marriage, none have divorced. There were 2 couples we knew early on who moved away and later divorced, but none among our longtime friends (we have single friends, and divorced friends we met after they were divorced, but never anyone in our circle divorcing). Perhaps there is some connection there, that marriage in today’s world is vulnerable enough that it needs a considerable external network of support as well. Just a speculation.
Odd that this should come up. Inspired by postings over at Maggie’s Farm, I just blogged on this tonight.
News, BTW. I am now a grandfather. My oldest son and his wife just had Emily Adelaide Wyman last week.
November 13th, 2007 | #
LOL, AVI- I know a lot more happily married couples than not.
It’s hard to defend marriage when we have men writing things like this. Although I understand where he’s coming from, he is making blanket statements about ALL women.
And being a little dishonest to be frank. A bit of hyperbole to say the least.
Some of us are not out for the money and could care less. And the story totally changes when the father is expected to take total custody of the kids- something I am seeing more and more of these days. Mostly men don’t want to do that. Why? Cause it’s not in their best interest to do so. The mother doesn’t make the income he does and she therefore doesn’t have to pay as much…having kids around means being responsible. Kids are expensive to raise…and so on. Kids also get in the way of dating and having a love life.
November 14th, 2007 | #
Oh and congratulations on the new grand daughter!! How awesome it is.
My oldest daughter just got married last week…and I suspect I’ll be a Grammah in the next yr or so.
I can’t wait!!
November 14th, 2007 | #
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