I hate having an X. I really do.

We’ve been brewing up a big fight for weeks now. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he can always have some sort of control over everyone in his life. For the past three weeks we’ve been going back and forth about money.

It’s forever on his mind. When we sat before the judge last summer to finalize our divorce, the judge appealed to me to take some sort of “alimony” from HIM. I refused. It’s not that I don’t need the money…who doesn’t? I didn’t want to be on any string with this man. No thanks. I would rather be in charge of my own destiny, financial and otherwise, than depend upon anyone else. In the end, all we have is ourselves. All my friends and family were mortified that I took this stance. And so was HE.

I don’t have many bills. And everything I have I own except for this little apartment. I pay rent. Not a big deal. We sold our house and I refused to take any money from the sale of it- rather- I had “my” share of that money go into the bank accounts of my kids. Since they are all of age, it is truly their money, to do whatever they want with.

I work for a living. I don’t make a ton of money; in fact my income barely covers my expenses. But I live within my means except for an occasional splurge with the credit card- which I always pay in full every month. It’s a comforting thing- to live with what you have and make the best of it. There’s no shame in it and I think I manage pretty well. When I want something extra, like my many travels here and there, or an MPG player, or fancy coffee, I have to work more hours to make the money to get those things. I work hard to play hard. But I don’t live above myself. I’m not poor and not rich and not really anywhere in between.

Anyway HE offered me some money a couple weeks ago to start my Christmas shopping. That was nice of him but I guess he forgets how I manage THAT expense. My shopping is all but done. I do that all year long- buy things here and there, wrap them up, put them away. I’ve done this since my kids were little. It saves from that stupid last minute bulloney that everyone seems to put themselves through each year. HE was taken aback by my brush off to his offer. My friends were annoyed with me as well…saying that I could ALWAYS use that money to BUY more gifts. No. I don’t think so. I’ve got an entire closet full of gifts.

I paid off my Jeep last year. I had some cash saved up, from working a lot of overtime. I was planning to do some traveling with that money, but events in life got in the way. So I put the money towards another bill- my transportation. We were separated at that time and I never told him I paid it off. He found out at our divorce hearing. He didn’t seem to be bothered then, but a week ago he lashed out at me over it.

Insurances. I have my own and set that up last year when we separated. The only thing I ask from him is to keep his kids on his health insurance plan until they age out. He agreed to this and has honored it. I don’t want a red penny from him. And it annoys him to no end.

Yesterday my friends and I had a little get together, a meal and some touch football after. He came over to see if he could borrow my Jeep for some off roading he and his friends wanted to do. He has a big Ford pickup that he could take out…but it’s not as fun as the Jeep…I understand that. So I told him he could borrow it, as long as he replaces the gas. He got all cocky over that- making snide remarks about me being so broke all the time I need my gas tank refilled…I got pissed at him and let him know it in my not so charming manner. I expect anyone who uses my rig to replace the damn gas. It’s the right thing to do.

Then Channy decides it might be cool if we all went down to DC together Sunday night after work. To see the Marine museum on Monday. Everyone got excited and we made calls and started to figure out how we could pull this off…when he decided he was coming along for the fun.

Don’t piss me off.
He did.

Suddenly a dark cloud came over me. I haven’t done anything “fun” with this man in fucking years. Countless times I tried to get him off his ass to go do things with me. To go places. To do things, together, like married couples should be doing. The last 6 years of my marriage were like hell for me because he became such a shut in. And now, HE decides this little road trip will be fun?
We had it out something fierce. I lit into him like a scorched light bulb ready to explode. I was mean and nasty and degrading to him. And he was just as bad back to me. He blasted me for not needing him anymore. He told me how that has made him feel for the past year and a half, almost 2. He told me what a bitch I have been (and that’s true) about the money stuff…that I could at least allow him to help me out with something. Anything. So he said.

I guess I’m supposed to want some money from him? And accept every offer? I hate that. My friends are all down on me too about this. They think I should be less stubborn and more willing to work with my X. WORK with him? As in what? I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. I want nothing to do with him. He is the father of my children and that is the only THING he has over me that I am not in control of.

Am I missing something here?? Am I doing things in a way that should cause concern for anyone? I want to be independent. Is that a crime?