Just Raven

Somehow I ended up back on the east coast. I don’t remember how I got there or who brought me there. Jimmy and Kim were not with me. Patty had already gone back- to a shattered home where she wasn’t welcome. I guess Billy brought me to North Carolina…to Fayetteville (so I was told). The boomin little city of the times. There are lots of soldiers down there…Fort Bragg and Camp Lejeune. Lejeune is where my hubby met me. I say that because I don’t remember meeting him. I was too drunk and numb. He was a Marine.

I was at a bar off base near Lejeune when he met me. He took me to his friend’s trailer and wouldn’t let me shoot up or have drinks. I went through terrible withdrawals. He managed to stay with me the whole time and took care of me. He watched me go through the worst parts of my life in those couple weeks. He made sure I took the seizure meds and was just there.

Once I sobered up enough to see the world around me, I was in awe of this man who took me away from that life. He was my hero. We laughed and did everything together. The first time (and only time) I was in love. He taught me how to use a gun; how to jump from high rocks…into water or just for a landing. He taught me to drive. Most kids that age already had their licenses, not me. I have never driven an automatic-always had a standard and always will. He would me sneak onto the base at night and we go to the tanks and helicopters and into the barracks. It was fun.

We became fast friends and more…and he took me back to NH. First to my parents. Who were shocked and just didn’t want to deal with me. I guess I shamed them. Then he took me to his parents house, where I ended up staying for awhile. He traveled every weekend up to NH from CL to be with me, unless he was out in the field.

It felt good to be alive and to laugh. But ghosts from months past were always there. I always thought about Janine and that awful night. I always thought about heroin. And all those men I had been with. I got really sensitive to the scents and dress code of those days. Never again would I wear perfumes or dress in any way that might be like a bad girl. And I refused to wear makeup. (Still won’t).

During this time I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. She was born in January of 1983. I was 17. He got orders and was deployed to Beirut and left in July of that year. Three months later he lost 16 friends in the barracks bombing. I was sick to death with worry about him. They didn’t let him contact me for two weeks. Then he came home for leave and the sham wedding happened. He was (honorably) discharged in 1986. We moved me out of my parents place and down to where I live now…my small town that I love. With all it’s granite quarries and traffic jams on the oval; with all the cool little places I can go four wheelin’ and rollerblading. We had two more kids and our life just went on.

I don’t hold hubby totally responsible for that wedding. But I have never gotten over it and it is one reasons why we are having trouble now, I think. While I still have the highest respect for him, and I feel like I owe my life to him, things just aren’t right. We still see each other and we still fight everytime. That has to stop. It’s hard to do these things- break apart, yet trying to work it out. And not knowing if it is a total waste of time. Or if you are even really invested in getting back together. Everything you thought you knew about love goes down the drain too. It sucks and it is confusing as hell.

Kim
Kim and I hooked up soon after I found out I was expecting. She told me about how she and Jimmy hitchhiked cross country to get back to NH. She was a mess still though. She was still using smack and couldn’t get away from it. She met her hubby at a fishing tournament I managed to bring her to. He gave her the inspiration she needed to get off heroin. They got married before the year was out and she too was expecting. Her baby was born in May of 1983. We went back to school-at night. Got the diploma’s and both got jobs at a local factory in my town. She and I have been best friends ever since. We have always worked at the same places; we see each other at least twice a week, often more. We talk on the phone, several times a day, every day. We go online all the time, together to gossip and whatever. There isn’t anything we don’t know about each other, and I mean anything. There have been some relaspes with the smack. A few. We have been known to just go wild and we always regret it. It’s hard to stay on a wagon ride you don’t always think you need to be on.

Kim and I signed up for and went to CNA classes at a local university; we went at night and became LNA’s in 1988. It took us a year…We have been doing the work ever since. We have worked in nursing homes and hospices. Now we work at the same place, she works during the week and I just recently went to weekends. Up til last summer I worked side by side with her. We rule the place. And we really like what we do.

Patty
Patty had a hard time when she came back to NH. Her family wasn’t together at all. She had no where to go to, so she ended up living on the streets of Manchester for awhile. Then she met a guy who took her away from that scene and they have been together eversince. They lived together for years and got married about 5 years ago. They have two kids and they are very happy. She lives near Kim, but doesn’t work with us. She is a very funny lady and she parties with us when we get together.

Jimmy
Jimmy stopped using smack way back in SLC. He got his HS diploma through night school and then joined the Marines. (Why is it that all the men in my life are Marines?) He did 6 years, and while enlisted he got his degree in Political Science and Law Enforcement. After he got out, he went to work for a government agency. He has been there ever since. He got married in 1988 and has three kids. He lives in SLC, but travels all over the world in his duties. He has been in Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan and other places since September 11th. He and I maintain constant contact; he is the rock in my life and I worship every ground he walks on. He is always there for me. And I am always there for him.

Janine
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about Janine. She is always there, her soul, her ghost. Whenever I dance, I think of her. When we were out at Bryce Canyon, on those first few days of our long journey, we picked up lots of little japser rocks. We collected them, all colors and shapes. A few years ago Kim and I had them sanded and bored out; we had necklaces made for us. We wear them in Janine’s honor. I didn’t know it at the time but after everything was investigated and done, Jimmy had Janine’s remains cremated and her ashes spread out over Salt Lake. She loved that place. She wanted to be a teacher out there when she grew up, when she escaped the life.

Billy
Billy is dead. He was killed back out in SLC shortly after he dumped me at LeJeune. I don’t know all the details but I do know he was shot. That’s too kind of a way for him to have died as far as I am concerned. I would have liked to have a hand in that. We never found out who was responsible for Janine’s death. It had to be one of the dealers, who must have found out about the sting op Jimmy set up that night.

The friendships have endured all these years. Kim, Jimmy, Patty and me. It’s funny that most kids who go to school together tend to grow apart as they move on with their lives. For whatever reasons, we have not moved on. While we have lived out our lives on very different paths, we still think of each other all the time. There is a bond here that cannot be broken. We are lucky to have this.